


if I could turn back time

by atamascolily



Category: Clannad, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Crosstober, Dark, Doomed Timelines, F/M, Magical Girls, Prompt Fic, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27104452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atamascolily/pseuds/atamascolily
Summary: Tomoya is willing to sacrifice everything to save Nagisa.Everything.
Relationships: Furukawa Nagisa/Okazaki Tomoya, Okazaki Tomoya/Sakagami Tomoyo
Kudos: 2





	if I could turn back time

_Nagisa is dead_. 

Sanae and Akio have taken Ushio away for the moment, leaving Tomoya to sit at his wife's bedside one last time. Nagisa lies cold and still on the futon, her eyes closed in a horrible, twisted parody of sleep. 

He can't believe she's really gone. 

They were going to start a new life together with their newborn daughter. She promised. She _promised_. How she expect him to go on without her? How could life possibly be enough on his own? 

Snow falls outside, a pure and blinding white. The terrible, treacherous snow that kept the ambulances penned up in the hospital parking lot, trapping everyone in their homes, sapping the heat away. All color is stripped from the world, a perfect counterpart to the emptiness inside him. 

Nagisa was the one who brought the color back into Tomoya's life, after he'd given up all hope of ever pulling himself out of his depression, accepted his life of perpetual gray. And now she was gone-- _gone_ \-- and everything is white again--

There's a rustle in the corner, and something furry and white slides out from the stuffed Dango Family plushies pushed to the side. It's hard for Tomoya to get good look at whatever it is because it blends in so well with the snow and the emptiness in his own heart, but he _thinks_ it's some sort of cat with an extra set of ears spilling out like bizarre pigtails from the usual ones. 

The only thing that isn't white are its eyes, two eerily symmetrical spots of bright cherry red in the middle of its face. The eyes blink as the creature studies him for a moment, as if it's not quite sure what to make of Tomoya. Then it nods and prances forward towards him. 

"I came here because I have a request for you, Okazaki Tomoya," it says--not out loud, its mouth never moves, but in his _head_. "I want you to make a contract with me and become a magical... boy." 

For a moment, Tomoya is too is too stunned to respond. This is utterly impossible. This has to be a dream, or a nightmare, or maybe he's just gone crazy. There's no way this is real. 

He laughs, a deep gutteral sound edging towards hysteria as he collapses back onto his heels besides Nagisa's body. "You're joking," he wheezes, when he's capable of speech again. "What is this, some sort of _anime_?" 

"You should be honored," the creature says in his head, ignoring Tomoya's question. "I normally don't contract with boys--anyone your age, really. But there is something you desperately want, more than anything else in the world, and I can grant it." 

"And in exchange for granting my wish, I'll become a magical boy?" Tomoya says dully. He's seen enough anime to know how utterly ridiculous he would look.

"That's right!" the creature chirrups. "Magical girls--or boys, in your case--are born from wishes and hopes, destined to fight the witches born from despair." 

Nagisa would love this. She's always fought despair and brought hope to others, even without the fluffy cat-creatures and magical contracts. But if this creature is serious--if wishes can be granted--then--

And even if it's a joke, what has he got to lose? 

"What's your name?" he says slowly. 

"You can call me Kyubey." 

That's weirdly cute, but okay. "You can bring Nagisa back?" 

Kyubey inclines its head. "I could, but I don't know if that's in your best interest. Other girls I've made contracts with have wished for things like that, and it rarely ends well. I wouldn't want you to... regret your decision." 

Tomoya imagines Nagisa as a zombie out of a horror movie and shudders. No. As much as he wants-- _needs_ \--to see her alive again, he knows there were worse things than simple death. 

_May I rest for a while?_ she'd asked before the end. She'd been so tired. How could he be so selfish as to deny her that? 

But living without her was equally unthinkable. How could he turn away from the opportunity to see her again, to start over?

Start... over... 

"But you could take me back to the past," Tomoya says slowly, as realization dawns. "To the day Nagisa and I first met. So we could start... over. Start a new life together. One that doesn't go wrong." 

Kyubey nods. "Yes, I could. You'd be able to go back, but some things would be different. It wouldn't be easy. You'd be a magical boy, and you'd fight witches in addition to your other obligations. But magical boys have strong healing powers, and as long as you gather enough Grief Seeds to keep your Soul Gem purified, there's no limits to what you can do." 

Grief Seeds. Soul Gems. He ought to be paying attention, but it's all just noise right now. 

"So, Okazaki Tomoya, will you make a contract with me? To go back in time and relive your first meeting with Furukawa Nagisa?" 

Yes. Yes. That was it. He'd do it all over again. He'd know what was coming next time. He'd make sure Nagisa got to a hospital in time, before the snow fell. He'd--

Tomoya doesn't hesitate any longer. "Okay. Grant my wish, and I'll make a contract with you and become a magical... boy." He can't say the words with a straight face. "And I wish--I wish--to start over with Nagisa again--" 

He thought nothing could hurt more than Nagisa dying. 

What Kyubey does next is worse. 

Its eyes glow red and the tassels from its ears elongate, snaking forward as they burrow into Tomoya's heart. The pain is exquisite, as all of the emotions he has ever experienced in his life come boiling to the surface in an explosion of light and color. Something heavy and solid is yanked from his chest, gleaming and glowing, condesing and coalescing into a gleaming green jewel--but it's impossible to hear anything over the screaming. He flies backwards, suspended in mid-air as those impossible ears hold him aloft--

The last thing Tomoya sees are the glowing red eyes before everything collapses into brilliant, blinding white. 

***

When he wakes, he's sprawled out in his old bed in his father's house. He's sixteen years old, and it's the first day of his senior year of high school. Only--he's had the strangest dream-- 

Tomoya sits up, shrugging his shoulders easily and without any pain. Startled, he does performs the movement again with the same results. 

So it wasn't a dream then. He _did_ graduate from high school, marry Nagisa, and watch her die in front of him. He did meet a little creature who had promised him he could return to the past in exchange for gaining magic powers and fighting witches. Which means--

Nagisa is still alive. 

He did it. 

He did it. 

Tomoya laughs until he cries and then laughs some more, all the pent-up grief spilling out at once. It doesn't matter what happened in that cold apartment in the snow. Somewhere out there, Nagisa is _alive_ , waiting for him, and everything is going to be okay. 

For the first time, Tomoya notices the bright green gem resting on his lap. Holding it up to the light, it pulses in time with his own heartbeats, as if the stone itself were alive. This must be the Soul Gem that Kyubey was talking about, even if he's not sure what he's supposed to do with it.

On impulse, he moves his free hand over the emerald stone and coalesces into a ring around the fourth finger on his left hand, where his wedding band with Nagisa used to be. 

Tomoya doesn't understand what this gem is, or what it can do, but he knows it's tied to his contract, to being a magical boy, or whatever the hell he signed up for when he took Kyubey up on its offer. But it doesn't matter because Tomoya got his wish, he went back in time to start over, he's going to fix everything, and most importantly, _Nagisa is still alive and going to stay that way_ \--

A quick glance at the clock and Tomoya abruptly sobers. If he doesn't hustle, he's going to be late for school, and then--

He'll miss meeting Nagisa again. 

***

Nagisa stands at the foot of the stairs underneath the cherry blossoms, babbling about anpan to herself as she psyches herself up into walking up the hill. She doesn't notice Tomoya as he approaches, and why should she? She never has before. 

Everything about her is just as he remembered it--the yellow Hikarizaka sailor fuku, the two strands of her hair that pop up like antennae and refuse to be tamed. 

"Do you like this school? I really, really love it. But nothing can stay unchanged. Fun things... happy things... They can't all possibly stay unchanged. Even so, can you keep on loving this place?" 

He knows now what she's really asking, and his answer hasn't changed.  
He say it now, a harsh bark of command, just like before. "Just find them!" 

She turns, startled, and Tomoya freezes before her earnest gaze at how impossibly young and vulnerable she is. The color snaps back into his world as his heart beats faster, because this time is going to be different, this time--

But for now, he plays along with the script. "Just find new fun and happy things," he says, gesturing for her to follow him. "C'mon, let's get going." 

They walk up the stairs together, Nagisa trailing in his wake a foot or two behind, just like before. 

***

Tomoya encounters his first witch that night on the way home from the Furukawa bakery. He has no idea what to do when the universe starts bending and twisting around him, but fortunately his mysterious ring handles his transformation into a steel gray tuxedo with top hat and protective mask over his face (presumably to hide how ridiculous he looks in this get-up). Unfortunately, he has no weapons against the reality-distorting creature he faces, who grabs him close and forces him to relive Nagisa dying over and over again, as it opens its mouth to devour him--

He is rescued from this fate by Sakagami Tomoyo, of all people, in a deep blue floor-length gown with long sleeves, gauzy veils, and a sapphire-encrusted tiara, scouring the abomination away in a blur of razor-sharp cherry blossoms. Turns out she's a magical girl herself. This... explains, a lot, actually. 

"Can't believe I never noticed," Tomoya mutters in disgust, after Sakagami pulls off his mask and demands to know what the hell he's doing here in a labyrinth like this. 

"What?" Sakagami says.

"Nothing," Tomoya says hastily. 

Kyubey, perched on her shoulder, like some sort of mascot, doesn't comment. 

Sakagami frowns. "I've never heard of anyone like you before." She cranes her neck to glance up at Kyubey. "I thought you didn't make contracts with boys?" 

"I appear to have made an exception," the creature says, eyeing Tomoya with interest. Its ears twitch in a way that makes Tomoya's chest ache, and it's all he can do to keep from flinching. 

It's odd that Kyubey doesn't recognize him, but maybe that's a good thing? Tomoya's not sure he trusts Kyubey, not after what happened with the contract, even though Sakagami seems to like him. 

"What will you do now, Okazaki-kun?" Sakagami says after a long silence. 

"Protect people from witches, I suppose," Tomoya says, which earns him nods of approval from her.

"Then I'll have to show you how," Sakagami says firmly. 

She does. Over the next few months, she takes Tomoya under her wing, as she shows him the ropes. The floating lights that he can see hanging in midair aren't important, but Grief Seeds are paramount, necessary to prevent corruption. Tomoya is stuck with his ridiculous costume, and the lack of offensive weaponry, but now that his shoulder no longer limits him, he can put his basketball skills to use and slam-dunk his opponents with any projectile within reach. 

After some experimentation, they learn his powers center around shielding and stopping time. Sakagami doesn't say it out loud, but Tomoya can tell she thinks it's lame and he has to agree with her. The silver lining is that he's very good at being in the right place at the right time, and he saves Sakagami more than once by blocking fatal blows before they touch her. 

To his surprise, Tomoya finds he enjoys the fighting, taking out his rage and frustration on those who deserve it. Between hanging out with Nagisa after school and working with Sakagami at night, it doesn't leave him much time for schoolwork, but Tomoya is used to being a delinquent and doesn't give a shit about his class rank or university. The basketball team wants him to come back, of course, and his former teammates are puzzled when he refuses, but Tomoya knows where his priorities lie. 

And when it hurts Nagisa that he keeps missing drama club meetings, Tomoya tells himself that's the price he pays for keeping her alive. 

***

"What was your wish?" Tomoya asks Sakagami one evening while they're on patrol together in the park. 

"To save the cherry trees by the school from developers," she says at last. She gives her long, grey hair a casual toss--which he's come to realize is a sign of deep emotion.

"Was it worth it?" 

Sakagami regards him levelly. "I have no regrets." 

She doesn't ask what his own wish was, but he feels compelled to volunteer anyway, to make up for putting her on the spot like that. "There was someone... I wanted to protect like that," he says lamely. 

She doesn't ask who it is, and he doesn't offer. But from her curious stare when he and Nagisa are together, he wonders if she guesses the truth, even if she can't begin to imagine the whole of it. 

***

Even knowing the future, even doing his best to protect Nagisa, her health is still frail and she dies as Tomoya sobs at her bedside. This time, however, he doesn't need Kyubey to reset. The same power that lets him stop time also lets him start over again at the beginning. 

Tomoya wakes up in bed again in his father's house, determined to do it right. 

***

This time, Nagisa finds out about the whole magical girl business early on, and contracts with Kyubey so she can fight beside him. Her fluffy pink costume is adorable and her motif is stylized Great Dango Family members. Tomoya never stops feeling self-conscious about his own costume, but hers looks cute. 

For a while, it's nice to share his secret with Nagisa and not feel so alone. She still looks up to Sakagami but she's not jealous of her anymore, which makes everyone's lives easier. And as a bonus, becoming a magical girl strengthens her body so her health remains robust. 

But she dies anyway, this time in battle against the dreaded Starfish Witch when Tomoya is momentarily distracted by a familiar. So he resets the timeline and starts over again--this time, poking around for answers. 

It turns out there's another magical girl named Fuko, who is more than a little obsessed with starfish. If enough people don't go to her sister's wedding, she gets depressed and turns into a witch. Tomoya knows this last bit because it happens in front of him. 

(He's fought the Starfish Witch with Sakagami in other iterations and never made the connection to genial, bumbling Fuko until now.) 

When he confronts Kyubey, the creature confirms the ugly truth: it preys on desperate and lonely little girls who made weak wishes and succumb quickly to despair. Girls like Fuko, who spent her life trapped in a hospital bed. Fuko, who just wants her older sister to be happy on her wedding day, and is willing to barter her soul for it. 

Kyubey finds them at their darkest hour and plays them for suckers, just like he did with Tomoya. If it weren't for the fact that Tomoya is on a mission to save Nagisa, he might well have succumbed to despair himself. Instead, he picks himself up, brushes his tears away, and resets the timeline again. 

The iterations quickly blur together after that in a cascade of choices and consequences. If Nagisa contracts, the drama club usually turns into a magic club, which means that the Fujibayashi twins contract as well. Then it's Nagisa, Ryou, Kyou, Tomoya, Sakagami, and Fuko all in the club, with with Sunohara trailing along behind them, pathetically slow on the uptake. It starts out peaceful enough, but never, ever, lasts. 

Even if Tomoya can keep Fuko from turning into a witch, that doesn't stop Kyou from sliding into despair when her sister Ryou starts dating the boy she likes. Then there's the problem of finding enough Grief Seeds for so many magical girls to keep them all healthy and sane. And even when Tomoya can fix _that_ , Nagisa _still_ keeps dying in horrific ways, forcing him to reset again and again. 

Once after Nagisa meets a particularly gruesome end at the hands of Kyou's witch, Tomoya stumbles home with Sakagami and falls naked into bed with her. He can't stop weeping the entire time, pushing her back onto the mattress as if each thrust could fix the agonizing grief in his heart. 

The next morning when he wakes, Sakagami is standing over him dressed in her school uniform, as if nothing happened, a packed bento box in hand. She doesn't speak, and neither does he. 

Guilty and reeling, Tomoya resets the timeline and Nagisa is alive again and none of it ever happened. But his memories of that awful night--of Sakagami's breathy gasps and the curve of her breasts as she arched against him--still linger, flaring up at the most inopportune moments. 

(Does it count as cheating on Nagisa if he's the only one who remembers it happened?)

***

After an extremely dark timeline in which Nagisa herself becomes a witch and he murders her with his own hands, Tomoya works hard to ensure that Kyubey doesn't come near her ever again. Nagisa still dies of her illness, but at least then it's not his fault. 

***

Once--thankfully only once--Sakagami turns. The Cherry Blossom Witch is beautiful and terrible, surrounding by glittering clouds of distorted flowers and tangled thickets of flesh-eating trees. Tomoya weeps as he kills her and uses her Grief Seed to purify his rapidly darkening Soul Gem. 

He's tempted to reset the timeline early and start over, but Nagisa is still alive and uncontracted, which is rare and precious, so he holds off. Tomoya is racked by guilt for months afterwards, but in the end, it doesn't matter--Nagisa still dies, and he has to start over anyway. 

Rewind. Restart. Repeat. Over and over again. 

***

He tries not speaking to Nagisa. He tries taking different paths on the way to school, tries avoiding her. It doesn't matter. Whether she knows him or not, she dies anyway. 

Unacceptable. 

***

 _I hate this city. It's full of all the memories I want to forget_ , Tomoya had said to himself over and over again, back when there was only one timeline. 

He hadn't known the half of it. 

_Am I damned_?, he wonders more than once--but quickly realizes it doesn't matter. If he stops moving, he'll give into despair and drown, becoming the very thing he's doomed to fight. He can't afford that--not until Nagisa is safe. 

When they met for the first time beneath the cherry blossoms, Tomoya didn't understand what Nagisa meant, that nothing can stay unchanged. Certainly, he is fighting against the whole universe by trying to alter the one thing that is seemingly inevitable: her all-too-early death.

It's foolish. It's reckless. It may even be impossible. But he doesn't have anything left to lose. 

***

There's a girl in the library who offers him a way out. A strange girl with long, purple hair, who studies parallel universes. Tomoya brings her all the pieces, but Ichinose is the one who assembles them together into a coherent whole. She discovers they are linked to the strange light orbs that hang in the air that only they can see, the ones that Kyubey dismisses as unimportant. 

"Gather enough of the orbs, and you have the power for a miracle," she says. 

"A miracle that doesn't involve Kyubey?" 

Kotomi Ichinose nods soberly. "Yes." 

Of course, Kyubey tries to get Ichinose to contract with him, but she asks him question after question in her slow, serious way, until she ferrets out the truth, including some things that Tomoya didn't know himself: its true name of "Incubator," its job harvesting human emotions to slow the heat death of the universe, and its manipulations throughout human history. Naturally, Ichinose declines. 

Kyubey claims to take the rejection well, but Tomoya can't help but note Ichinose is targeted by a witch not long afterwards. Tomoya rescues her of course, but he can't be everywhere at once. The next time, she isn't so lucky. 

It doesn't matter, Tomoya tells himself, as he starts over yet again. Even if Ichinose doesn't remember who he is in this new timeline, she's given him the most important gift of all. 

Hope. 

***

"Do you believe in miracles?" Nagisa asks. 

Tomoya doesn't hesitate. "Yes, I do. Meeting _you_." 

She blushes, giggles, then sobers as she realizes he is deeply, deeply serious. "Tomoya-kun," she says softly. "It's all right, it's all right--" 

It isn't until her hands reach up to brush his cheeks that he realizes he's sobbing, all the tears poured out for the lifetimes lived, the roads taken and not taken, always leading to the same terrible outcome--

"It's all right, Tomoya-kun," she says, stroking his hair as he sobs into her shoulders, and no, it isn't all right, but for just a little while, he can pretend. 

***

He collects the floating lights whenever he sees them, pulling them out of the air and into his Soul Gem, over and over again. If they have any effect, he can't tell. Over and over again, he dreams of a lonely girl holding hands with a robot in the empty void, but its meaning--if any-- still eludes him.

Why does Nagisa keep dying? Why is the universe so determined to kill her? What will it take for the two of them to live a full and happy lifetime together? 

Tomoya doesn't know, but he'll keep turning back time to the very beginning until he gets it right.

**Author's Note:**

> I've always thought _Clannad_ made a lot more sense if Sakagami Tomoyo was secretly a magical girl.


End file.
